I was recently struck by an unattributed statement that "individuals are trying to do what used to be done by a community." As a 21st century parent, this statement couldn't feel more true.
In my last article I focused on the stresses of parenting and touched on the benefit of community support. One source of community support that many of us are all too lacking in is that of an intergenerational community.
If we go back far enough, communal or tribal living was a norm, with children raised not only by their parents but with the help of the larger community. Not nearly as long ago, families often still lived in one community for the duration of their lives, rearing their children while surrounded by the assistance and insight of siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, close family friends and longtime neighbors.
New parents could call upon the experience and insight of family members and friends who had done this whole child raising business before. At the very least, this network could provide another set of arms to give parents a much-needed break and multiple sets of eyes to look out for older children.
While this was certainly not a ubiquitous situation, over time families and longtime friends have become increasingly likely to live further afield.
I experienced this transition within my own lifetime. As a young child, I l was fortunate enough to live within an easy distance of grandparents, aunts and great-aunts, uncles and great uncles, godparents and long-time family friends. Not to say that my parents didn't experience the stress of child rearing, but they were far from alone in it.
For much of my childhood I had the immense fortune of living within walking distance of my mother's parents, my aunt, cousin and a great aunt. I had an entire network of family members to look out for me, ensuring that my parents weren't the only ones to have a hand in raising me.
When both parents worked, and especially for the brief time my mother was single-parenting, my grandparents got me to the school bus stop in the morning, picked me up in the afternoon, helped me with homework and filled in childcare for my sister and I as needed.
My mom didn't have to worry about missing work to stay home with a sick child or to pick up a kid early on a half day of school.
Fast forward to the present, one set of my children's grandparents live one state away, another set split their time between multiple states, and siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins all require a flight to get to, with members of our family living as far flung as Italy, Japan, France and Colombia.
Even my best friends are several hours away. While all visit when they can, that regular source of intergenerational support isn't as accessible as what I was fortunate enough to grow up with.
After living in Asia where multigenerational living, although less ubiquitous than it once was, is still more common, I can see both the host of benefits and challenges of this arrangement. A huge advantage is the assistance in child rearing, with grandparents often filling in the gaps of childcare.
Recently a prominent U.S. politician presented his case that the lack of affordable childcare in America could be remedied with the help of grandparents, aunts and uncles stepping in as caregivers. Regardless of your politics, I think that most of us can agree that while ideal sounding, in our country, in this time period, that is not a realistically workable scenario for most families.
Many people's families are nowhere close enough to provide a regular source of support, much less alive, in good health or are even reliable or safe. I realize that, while they are not always nearby, I am in a fortunate enough position to have good relationships with family members who are invested in the wellbeing of my children and happy to help when and where they can.
Not everyone is so blessed. Some families are estranged by much more than distance due to toxic relationships, addiction or a host of other problems.
So whether by distance or other circumstances, extended family is not available as a source of intergenerational support. What benefits can cultivating other sources of cross generational community provide, and where can families foster these relationships in our modern culture?
The beauty of the intergenerational community, be it in the context of family or otherwise, is that different generations have so much we can learn from and offer to one another.
People weren't meant to live in isolation, but we are living in an era where people of every age group are experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. Fostering sources of intergenerational community can provide a necessary balm for that isolation.
While children and young adults can benefit from the wisdom, experience, and role modeling of older generations, older adults can even experience improved cognitive and mental health from regular socialization and their enhanced sense of community. Every age group can benefit from exposure to, and knowledge of, other generations.
Cross- generational communities can reduce generational stereotypes, cultivate collaboration and the sharing of ideas and foster socio-emotional wellbeing.
With some research it became clear that the most prevalent sources of multigenerational interaction are found among groups and organizations with the goal of passing on beliefs, culture, or traditions. The most ubiquitous being faith communities like churches, temples, and mosques. Members, often representing as many as six or even seven generations, gather to share their faith, and in doing so can cultivate intergenerational communities.
After moving far away from my family and close friends, one of my first sources of establishing a source of support was by joining a local faith community. Once I found a place of worship that felt like a good fit for me, I joined the new-member class with a group of adults at many different stages of life.
In that class I met an older woman with a strong New York accent and a slightly acerbic tongue that reminded me instantly of my grandma. Several generations my senior, that woman became my first and closest friend at church.
As someone who had experienced some unfathomable struggles herself, she was a source of support during some challenging times for me. Though she has since moved away to be closer to her children and grandchildren, she reminded me of how beneficial intergenerational relationships can be, even those outside the scope of our own families.
Growing up, my exposure to older generations outside of my own family was largely at church. While in high school, a couple at church became my surrogate grandparents, attending my school plays and high school and college graduations. They also interrogated my boyfriends and provided an endless font of (often unsolicited) advice.
These relationships in my life helped me build trust in other adults, acquire role models and may have even imparted a little wisdom to someone at an age where parental guidance was unwelcome at best.
Since joining my current church, cross generational ministry has become a cornerstone of our faith community. In 2016 Andrew Buck was hired by Good Shepherd Lutheran Church as a Director of Cross-Generational Ministries to, among other things, "introduce the congregation to the lives of young people, and to introduce young people into the life of the whole congregation."
Since then we have seen the development of structured and organic mentorships between youth and adults, a strong emphasis on including children in worship participation and leadership, and cross generational Sunday School opportunities called "Generations Together!" that "intentionally mix ages for the purpose of relationship building and faith formation."
I'm particularly looking forward to intergenerational music bingo, because millennials are clearly the perfect sandwich generation to dominate at this.
As he actively engages with a cross-generational community, I picked Buck's brain about the importance of engaging intergenerationally.
Buck believes "cross-generational community builds empathy. Being a high school student now is not the same as it was 20 years ago. Being a parent now is not the same as it was 30 years ago. When we are in community with people older and younger than us, we deepen our understanding of our neighbors. It's so easy to cut ourselves off from the world, or at least people we don't easily agree with. Cross-generational community is one powerful way to rebuild those connections."
When asked where families, religious or otherwise, can find a source of cross-generational community, Buck replied that, "We have to be intentional about it - reach out to your neighbors, invest your time into a "third place" that values multiple generations, and take time as a family to serve an older or younger population. If your family values or is open to a faith community, find one that makes space for kids in worship."
While probably the most ubiquitous, faith communities aren't the only source of intergenerational community out there. Cultural and volunteer organizations are another source of intergenerational engagement.
As a culturally diverse area, the Triangle is home to numerous heritage organizations. The Native American American Society, Triangle Sons and Daughters of Italy, Nippon (Japanese) Club of the Triangle, Scottish Cultural Association of the Triangle, as well as local chapters of National organizations like the (Scandinavian) Vasa Order of America, just to name a few.
Such heritage organizations often welcome a mix of generations, with elder members passing down dances, foods, and traditions that enrich younger members' cultural identity and pride. Many of these clubs and organizations sponsor local events and festivals to celebrate and teach their cultures.
Volunteer groups are another way for your family to work alongside or serve individuals of older or younger generations. Volunteer opportunities for young children that place them alongside other age groups are more rare, but select Triangle organizations like The Great Raleigh Cleanup permit children to volunteer with their families in kid-friendly clean-ups.
Local parks like Crowder County Park also offer volunteer opportunities for the entire family. Seventh through 10th graders can volunteer with young children through the Marbles Teen Play Corps.
Once your kids hit high-school, the options open up, and there is something for every family's volunteer interests. Artspace accepts high school volunteers for their Ambassador program that provides event support.
Starting at 15, your kids can work a shift at A Place at the Table Cafe to help provide meals for the community.
Older teens can work alongside different generations and walks of life to build homes with Habitat for Humanity.
If feeding the hungry is a cause your family feels strongly about, there are volunteer days for many different ages at the Food Bank of Central and Eastern North Carolina. Also starting at 15, you and your children can work a shift at A Place at the Table Cafe to help provide free meals for the community.
Teens with green thumbs can work alongside other generations by tending a row or working a shift at a local community garden or farm. Older teens with a heart for healing can volunteer at WakeMed or for the Rex Hospital "Volunteen" Program.
A great way to engage with older generations is to volunteer at assisted living facilities. Communities like Sunrise, with three locations in Raleigh and one in Cary, welcome children and youth of all ages to help with intergenerational activities or special projects.
Some people are going all in on creating cross-generational communities by moving into planned "cohousing" communities where people intentionally seek to live intergenerationally.
According to The Cohousing Association of the United States, the inherent benefits of cohousing are that "those at different stages of life tend to have different needs and abilities to help one another. The senior who is no longer able to drive may be the perfect person to keep a eye on a mostly independent middle schooler whose mother works through the afternoon and picks up groceries for both households on the way home."
Intergenerational cohousing communities are increasingly popping up all over the United States. In the greater Triangle area alone, there are three cohousing communities in Durham, Carrboro and Chapel Hill.
Such communities have been detailed in podcasts like the Ezra Klein show and publications such as Forbes, The New York Times, AARP, The Atlantic and the BBC, among others. Cohousing communities have been praised by residents as "allow(ing) us to know our neighbors, enjoy more connected relationships, and collaborate with others."
It may even be possible to find a source of cross-generational community closer to your current home. We are often less connected to our neighbors in the modern world, and chances are that there are people living in your very own neighborhood that you may not know yet. If possible, make a friendly overture by bringing in someone's trash can, cat sitting, mowing a neighbor's lawn, or inviting them to a cookout.
You might strike up a relationship with someone of another generation that you didn't even realize you were missing. If the book Ove by Fredrik Backman (one of my favorites- I highly recommend,) about a retired gentleman and the neighboring young family who befriend him to the considerable benefit of both parties, is any indication, then fostering one of these intergenerational relationships could even change your life.
Wherever you choose to seek it out, finding and participating in an intergenerational community might just be the cure for the epidemic of loneliness, missing support, and the increasingly atomized society that has become our norm.