Dear Meghan: How do I deal with my two kids' insistence that everything is perfectly equal between them? I have two girls, ages 3 and almost 6. For such a long time, my husband and I gave them "the same" thing, age permitting. I would set out the same plate of food, sometimes they were gifted the same toys and they each were read the same book. At the time, the younger one was very easygoing and in awe of her big sister, so it was easy and straightforward.

Now each kid has their own interests, food preferences, different things they want to play with, length of books they want to read and even clothing style differences. This is all great! But despite actually wanting different things, they insist on equality and go to great lengths to claim they got the "better" thing anytime it's different.

This turns into a million fights a day and exasperation for us parents. Just this morning, one girl woke up first and wanted a bagel for breakfast. Then the other woke up and before seeing anything asked for cereal. Then they both are at the table and arguing over who won breakfast. I'm guessing this is something that comes along with sibling territory, but we are at the end of our rope.

-- Tired

Tired: Thank you for your note; you are not alone in struggling with making things equal for your children and the good news is you can stop doing this right now. As in: immediately. As in: yesterday. The sooner you stop creating or abetting any "perceived" equality between your children, the sooner the family can find some harmony.

When children are really little, doing everything "the same" for them makes sense. Why wouldn't you want to streamline your routine and processes? Very young children take all of their cues from their parents, so if Daddy likes to read the same book every night, that is what the children want to do! The same with food, clothing, bedtime, you name it. It is a beautiful and simple time.

But as children begin to grow -- beginning as early as age 2 or 3 -- they rapidly differentiate from their parents. The only other time your child will seek to be like someone else is when puberty hits, and they want to be like their peers and friends. Otherwise, it is all aboard the independence train from here on out! And believe me, there isn't a pediatrician or child psychologist who believes it's healthy for siblings (three years apart, no less) to be on the same page with everything. And so, while your children are equal in receiving your love, human needs are never equally met. We want to welcome them to this reality sooner rather than later.

Your girls will continue to grow and change, so the real work here is one of leadership. Don't worry, I am not going to pile on and tell you that you are doing a bad job; you aren't. Instead, I want to empower you to find your boundaries and stick to them in a firm but flexible way.

To begin, both parents need to sit together and make a list of the hot-button items in the family. Choose one of the problems, like breakfast choices, and talk it out. What is easiest for both of you (not the children) every morning? This isn't prison; you can consider their preferences, dietary needs, etc., but the point is that we aren't going to wait for immature people to make better decisions. That first move is up to you. You can create a breakfast schedule with them or they can each choose from two options every morning, but the important thing here is that the adults are running the show, not the children.

When the children get upset about bagels or cereal or whatever other perceived inequality, you simply have to wait it out. They aren't going to starve and the tantrum will eventually pass. The surest way to make all of this worse is to wait for them to agree, to be mature and to be "happy." Don't lecture, don't problem-solve and don't punish; simply hold the boundary and keep the morning moving. It will be pure misery for a couple of days, and then I am hoping it will improve.

Another way to improve these disagreements is to empower the children to do the work themselves. Teaching them how to pour cereal, clean up and work together (even a little bit) will move them from adversaries to co-conspirators. And while yes, they will still always argue and tussle, there is no reason to assume that they cannot work together. All around the world and in many cultures, very young children are expected to work with each other and for the family. This sense of purpose and significance is one of the most important skills you can help your children develop.

"Hunt, Gather, Parent" by Michaeleen Doucleff is an inspirational read for what children and families are capable of, and it will remind you that your children are good and capable of more than you think. I know it is an intense time, but step into your leadership, give them true choices (and allow them to accept the consequences of those choices) and teach them how to contribute for the good of the family. It can be done! Good luck.