Although it might seem as if our emotions can make us vulnerable to the bullies of this world, by appearing sensitive or "soft," there are times when emotions can actually be used as strategic techniques against those who seek to hurt us or are only out for their self-interest. Ahead, through advice from psychologists, discover how to use emotional intelligence against a narcissist.
Find out what types of responses are recommended by experts, including the "Gray Rock" technique, and why these tactics successfully work against a manipulator.
Related: Psychologists Are Begging People To Avoid Falling for This One Common Manipulation Tactic Used by Narcissists
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Dr. Harris Stratyner, a psychologist in New York City and a Clinical Associate Professor, defines emotional intelligence, or "EI," as the capacity to recognize our own feelings and the feelings of others, and to discern between various feelings and label them appropriately. As a result, this awareness can guide our thinking and behavior, and it can help us adapt our emotions to suit specific situations or achieve certain goals.
Dr. Shmaya Krinsky, Psy.D, adds that people with high emotional intelligence are able to better build relationships, manage stress and make sound decisions, due to their ability to understand emotions effectively.
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
What Is a Narcissist?
"A narcissist is someone who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a sense that they're unique or special or a sense that they deserve special treatment," Dr. Stratyner says. "There is an inflated sense of self-importance, combined with a need for admiration and a sense of entitlement."
In fact, those who are narcissists can even be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as it's called in the world of psychology.
"Underneath their bombastic façade of confidence, superiority, charm or success, narcissists are often insecure and have a fragile sense of self-worth," Dr. Stratyner points out. "When they feel criticized or offended, they often defend themselves or lash out with hostility. They might even project their own flaws onto others or compete furiously for positions of power and authority. Narcissists often exploit others to achieve their own ends, and have a difficult time forming genuine, reciprocal relationships. Over time, they build strained or toxic relationships through their need to control others around them."
Unsurprisingly, Dr. Stratyner says that narcissists lack "genuine emotional intelligence." They don't have those standard EI characteristics, like self-awareness, empathy and the ability to regulate emotions.
If you identify as someone with high emotional intelligence, and you're currently dealing with a narcissist in your life, read on for ways you can use your emotional intelligence to combat the things that this person may say or do.
Related: This Is the #1 Response a Narcissist Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists
7 Ways To Use Emotional Intelligence Against a Narcissist, According to Psychologists 1. Control Your Emotions
Dr. Stratyner says that narcissists often thrive on chaos or strong emotional reactions in others. Therefore, when you can regulate your emotions, you won't be susceptible to their attempts to manipulate or trigger you.
"Take a few deep breaths, pause and take stock before you reply, and stay cool when they try to ramp up the temperature," Dr. Stratyner says. "They will find it harder to destabilize you this way, and you might gain the upper hand in the interaction."
🛒🛒 SIGN UP for our Pop Shop newsletter & get the best deals, problem-solving products & cool finds right in your inbox 🛍️
2. Set Clear Boundaries and Enforce Them
Additionally, narcissists will usually stomp on boundaries to get what they want from you, as Dr. Stratyner says.
To set your boundaries, Dr. Stratyner says that you can try statements such as "I'm not comfortable with that" and "I'm not going to do that."
"You'll need to enforce these strongly," he advises. "Usually, narcissists will keep testing you. Stay calm, don't become agitated and keep repeating your boundaries."
3. Practice Assertive Communication
Dr. Krinsky says that you can practice assertive communication by being clear, direct and specific. "Using 'I' statements that focus on your feelings rather than blaming and keeping this communication clear and brief can limit the opportunities a narcissist may have to manipulate or confuse you with complex conversations," he says.
4. Delay Strategically
"When confronted with a request or difficult situation, use a strategic delay by pausing and saying, 'Let me think about that,'" Dr. Krinsky says. "This delay can give you time to evaluate your response and get feedback from trusted friends and loved ones."
Related: 'I've Studied Psychology for 20 Years -- Here's the #1 Way to Hold Boundaries With a Narcissist'
5. Use Empathy Selectively
As we shared, narcissists lack empathy, "but you can modulate your dealings with them according to the rules of social interaction and in a manner that is neither appeasing nor overly submissive," Dr. Stratyner says.
"For instance, empathy can be used as a strategic tool to offer small doses of validation and acknowledgment to pacify conflict without full acquiescence: 'I see that this is important to you.'"
6. Identify What Motivates Them
"Identify what motivates them and propose win-win solutions," Dr. Krinsky says. "Knowing what the narcissist values can help you frame your interactions to align with their interests as well as yours. When proposing something, frame it in a way that sounds like an opportunity for them to achieve something they value, like public acknowledgment or a leadership role."
Of course, this approach only makes sense if you wish to continue the relationship and there is no verbal or physical abuse taking place -- you wouldn't want to "reward" a person like that in any way.
7. Master the 'Gray Rock' Technique
Dr. Stratyner explains that the "Gray Rock" method is a skillful application of emotional intelligence to become dull to the narcissist by presenting yourself as someone who responds minimally to emotions, stays focused on the facts and keeps interactions short and boring.
"Once you become a 'Gray Rock,' you might find that the narcissist loses interest in triggering you," he says.
Lastly, and most importantly, Dr. Krinsky says that it's essential to prioritize your own self-care when dealing with a narcissist.
"If you're struggling or the narcissistic behavior becomes harmful or abusive, it may be necessary to seek assistance from a mental health professional," he recommends. "They can provide tools and strategies to help you manage the situation."
Up Next:
Related: 10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset, According to Psychologists
SourcesDr. Harris Stratyner, a psychologist in New York City and a Clinical Associate ProfessorDr. Shmaya Krinsky, Psy.D