Two months ago, I landed a job interview with a major tech company in the city where my uncle "Tom" (my mom's brother) and aunt "Leslie" reside. To help me save on hotel expenses they offered to host me for a few days before the interview came up. They have a 3-year-old daughter, "Campbell," together, and my uncle has a 15-year-old daughter named "Rayne" from his previous marriage. Tom and Leslie both work during the day and Campbell's regular sitter had already booked a vacation that coincided with when I would be over. The original plan had been for Rayne to watch Campbell while the sitter was on vacation, but with school starting for Rayne shortly, I volunteered to look after Campbell so Rayne could make the most of her remaining vacation time. Then I received a call from the company asking me to attend the interview a day in advance. I told my aunt, so she tasked Rayne with watching Campbell for the afternoon I would be at the interview.

From the details I learned later, Rayne invited her boyfriend over once everyone was out of the house. They left Campbell watching TV while they went upstairs to have sex in Rayne's bedroom. At some point during that time, Campbell dragged a kitchen chair beneath the chain latch to the door to the backyard, let herself out, and fell into the pool (the pool ordinarily has a fence, but a section of it was in the process of being replaced and Campbell got through). A neighbor looking out of his second-story window spotted Campbell on the bottom of the pool. He ran into the backyard, jumped into the water, and got her out while his wife called 911. Campbell was taken to the hospital unconscious, but alive, and has been in a coma since. Based on the scans and tests, the doctors have said if she ever regains consciousness she will have severe irreversible brain damage.

My uncle and aunt have understandably been beside themselves, but they blame me and Rayne for what happened. According to them, had I not gone to the interview when I did, the entire tragedy would not have occurred. Rayne would never have had the chance to sneak her boyfriend over and leave Campbell unsupervised to get outside and fall into the pool. They kicked Rayne out of the house that night with only the clothes on her back. We spent the night and the rest of the next day driving back to my city and I have taken her in (Rayne's mother died when she was 6 and relations with the rest of her mother's family are fraught). Tom and Leslie have refused to speak to either of us since the tragedy and even barred us from visiting Campbell at the hospital.

I am utterly heartsick over Campbell's accident and would give anything to take back what happened to her; Rayne is devastated by the entire situation and says she will never forgive herself. I understand grief can make people behave irrationally, but my uncle and aunt are blaming me for something I could never have foreseen and had no control over. Rayne did a stupid, irresponsible thing, but the door to the backyard was latched and Campbell had never done anything like that before, so Rayne would not have anticipated it. She loves her little sister and feels horrible. I don't think she deserved to be kicked out of her home. A friend helped me locate a therapist for her in my area that I can afford, and she begins counseling next week. After my attempts to contact Tom and Leslie were met with silence, my mother tried talking to my uncle. He says as far as he and Leslie are concerned, Rayne and I are no longer family. I don't know what to do here or if there is anything that can be done to make things right between Rayne and my uncle and aunt. Is there?

This is an absolute tragedy, and my heart goes out to all of you. I am really happy to hear that Rayne has landed with you, and that you're working on getting her the help she needs to prevent this tragedy from compounding.

I have friends with families who have fallen apart after tragedies with far less culpability than yours or Rayne's. Sometimes, a person's grief is so immense that it turns into anger, and it isn't always rational. Your aunt and uncle can't see the more faultless circumstances of Campbell's accident right now -- they can only focus on the injustice of it, and their brains are desperate for someone to be held accountable. In time, your aunt and uncle will hopefully be able to process their grief, let go of their anger, and begin to make amends with you and your cousin. I sincerely hope this will be the case; it just may be a bit of a waiting game until then.

However, there is always a possibility that the relationships will not fully recover -- or recover at all. That's why I think it's so valuable that you help Rayne figure out how she will process this event. She cannot control whether her father and stepmother forgive her, but she can control her own healing -- and you, your mother, and other loved ones can support her through that.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

Looking for advice on how to teach my 4-and-a-half-year-old about wastefulness. I know this is just childlike ignorance, but I find some of her habits really upsetting. She wastes water like crazy. Just running it forever to wash her hands or rinse a toothbrush. Filling a big cup of water to take a little sip and spit after brushing her teeth. She will ask for "a lot" more food then take one bite and say she's done. I've tried giving her smaller second portions, but she won't touch it unless it's "a lot."

She's wasting food, water, and my time and effort. She'll get me to make her drinks or snacks and not eat or drink them. She'll refuse to use the other side of a piece of paper when drawing at home. She'll make one scribble and move on to a new piece. I'm trying to explain and encourage her to only take what she needs, and that things are still good if you can still use them. I feel like it's an important lesson to learn moving forward before she starts visiting friends or going to school where resources may be limited.

I appreciate that this is probably driving you batty. In fact, I share your feelings about letting the water run; it feels like nails on a chalkboard to me! That said, 4 years old is still pretty young to understand the concepts of scarcity and waste. Think about it from her point of view: Water always comes out of the faucet, so why would we worry about "wasting" it? (For a great peek into the developing brain of a child, I highly recommend The Scientist in the Crib by Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl.) Although you want to instill good habits in your child, you might be a few years too early for the lesson to take hold. But I can offer you some ideas for workarounds.

First off, take stock of how you're discussing the subject. I don't know what phrases you're using, but you might have better luck with, "We listen to our tummies before we ask for more food" and "Save some water for the fishies" than, "This is too much pasta" or "Don't waste water!" The former phrases are much more tangible and give your daughter the "why" behind what you're asking her to do, which can help the actions make more sense to her.

Second, since controlling toddler choices is often a losing battle, find opportunities to control the environment instead. For example:

Your own actions can also help minimize waste, even if she's not learning a lesson from it. For example, when she asks for more food, give her a small amount as you've tried to do, and tell her she can have more if she finishes this much. When she complains, calmly tell her, "You can eat the extra food I have given you, or you can be done. Those are the choices." And stick to it. When she asks for snacks, retrieve any uneaten food or drink after 20 minutes and save it for another day (if possible). Squirrel away her drawn-on paper and use the opposite sides yourself when making shopping lists, leaving notes for your spouse, etc. Not only will you be acting responsibly, but it's also very possible she'll notice and eventually repeat the habits she sees you do.

Hang in there; in a couple more years, she'll grow up leaps and bounds and she'll get much better at moderation! For now, take solace in the fact that she is learning to advocate for herself and complete independent tasks. It's an amazing, and frustrating, step on the journey toward growing up!

I have a 17-year-old son, Adrian. He had pretty severe pectus excavatum, which was apparent very young, and we took him for surgery to correct it in early 2021. The surgery involved sticking a pair of metal bars into his chest to push the sternum back out. The surgery was successful, and late this summer, we were able to have the bar removed and his chest is retaining the new shape. His heart and lung capacity are improved, and Adrian's quite satisfied with how he looks better from it. He asked the surgeon to keep one of the metal bars that had been inside him, and he usually keeps it in his room.

Adrian took the bar to his school a few times to show it off to his friends. One of his teachers confiscated it. I've since spoken to the teacher in question, who admits that it wasn't actually breaking any of the school rules to have it, but she found it disgusting and didn't want Adrian waving it around. However, she will not return it, either to him or to me. I admit, I'm not sure how to deal with this situation. I would have thought if the teacher acknowledged she couldn't take the item, she would have to give it back, but apparently not. I suppose I could get a lawyer involved, but that would cost a ton of money for what is ultimately an item with only sentimental value. Is there some way to secure the return of the Nuss bar without going to that extreme?

Have you talked to the principal? The teacher is holding your property and refusing to relinquish it. Get her boss involved. You can either call the principal directly, or you can make one more appeal to the teacher, with the principal CCed. If you don't think you'll be taken seriously with a casual email, you can always add a formal flair by enlisting the help of ChatGPT (I know, I know but it can help in a pinch). In fact, I took the liberty of exploring this option, and here's what it suggested for you:

Feel free to edit that to whatever sounds natural to you. If none of this works, you can call the police and file a report just like you would with a theft, but I would be dismayed if you need to go that far. Good luck!

-- Allison

My husband and I have been together for seven years. We met when we moved to a foreign country for work and have lived here since. Our families live back in our birth country. My husband wants to move back home and be closer to family. I am all for moving back home. But he wants his mother to live with us, and I am not excited about this idea. I am alright with having his mother over for the weekends or going out together on family dinners, but he wants us to live in a house together, permanently.