There's no such thing as perfect parenting, but there are traits and behaviors parents practice that can cause their children to have long-lasting emotional damage. By holding their kids up to impossible standards or expecting them to never make mistakes, parents sow the seeds of self-doubt in their kids' psyches.
There's one particular method of parenting that leads kids to develop low self-esteem, which some parents engage in without consciously realizing it. Parents who are overly critical of their kids can create a litany of negative psychological outcomes as their kids grow into adults.
While parents might not even notice they're doing it, there are several clear signs you were unfairly criticized as a child and it's affecting you now.
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If you were unfairly criticized as a child, it's highly possible you developed a fear of making mistakes that still affects you now. Your childhood experience of being judged by your parents on your performance carried over into adulthood, and you became someone who's scared to take risks or challenge themselves, because you're so scared of failing.
Relationship coach Kathy Ramsperger revealed that parents who don't let their kids make mistakes are, in fact, making a major mistake. "Mistakes breed both success and confidence," she explained. "Heavy criticism or even light helicopter parenting doesn't allow children to see what they can do well, or even how to do it."
"Overcontrolling our children, or feeling anxious about them... can lead to an anxious child who worries or a depressed child who won't try because they're afraid they'll fail," Ramsperger concluded.
Facing your fear of failure might not be easy, but you can overcome your fear by fostering a self-compassionate mindset and telling yourself that making mistakes is a universal human experience, and your worth isn't equated to a perfection you can never actually achieve.
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Another sign you were unfairly criticized as a child and it's affecting you now is that you turned into a people-pleaser. Because you were trained in childhood to try and avoid being criticized, you now go above and beyond to make sure other people aren't upset with you. You tend to take care of your own needs last, and you have a hard time setting and sticking to your boundaries.
Your people-pleasing behavior can negatively impact your professional and personal life. You might overextend yourself on the job because you can't say "no" when your boss piles on more projects. You might experience parental burnout because you don't take any time for yourself.
As therapist Patrick Teahan noted in a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a definitive symptom of childhood trauma is reflected in the act of "trying to get a difficult person to be good to us."
When your emotional needs aren't met as a child, your adult relationships center around trying to access the support you never received, which is what creates people-pleasing behavior. Breaking the pattern of people-pleasing takes work, yet it's work that leads to healthier connections in the long-term.
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Pushing down your emotions because you don't want to seem weak or vulnerable is a sign that you were unfairly criticized as a child, especially when it came to expressing your feelings.
Because your parents were hyper-critical, you probably learned not to show your emotions, for fear of being reprimanded. As a result, you feel disconnected from your emotions as an adult, which affects not only your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself as well.
As psychologist Janice Webb explained, "For a child to grow up with a complete and solid sense of themselves, who they are, and what they're capable of, they must receive enough awareness, understanding, and acceptance of their emotions from their parents." Yet kids who were unfairly criticized weren't given the space they needed to work through their more difficult emotions, which can lead to a low sense of self-worth and low emotional intelligence as an adult.
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If you were unfairly criticized as a child, you probably became an adult who struggles to advocate for your own needs. You're painfully unassertive, both in the workplace and in your relationships. You have a hard time standing up for yourself, because you're scared that voicing your opinions or asking to have your needs met will lead to the kind of harsh criticism you received from your parents.
Being unassertive often means that you let people take advantage of you. You don't speak up when they disregard your boundaries, which can lead to a feeling of deep-seated resentment. You might have trouble at work because you're scared to confront anyone who holds authority, because your fear of being criticized continues to this day.
Living with chronic, inexplicable shame is a sign you were unfairly criticized as a child. It's hard for you to feel good about yourself, because your parents' love was offered in a conditional way. If you didn't meet their standards, they punished you, which led to you developing a sense of self-worth based around shame.
As psychologist Dr. Sandra Cohen explained, "Childhood trauma can sometimes leak into your adult life because, no matter how hard you've tried to go on, there is still a traumatized child living inside you."
"Children need to be seen, heard, held, emotionally embraced, and valued," she noted. "The effects of waiting, watching, and longing to have your feelings heard can last a lifetime."
By criticizing you when they should have provided you with support, your parents left you with a deep-seated feeling of being ashamed of who you are.
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Apologizing constantly for even small mistakes is a sign you were unfairly criticized as a child and it's affecting you now. You have a hard time believing in your own inherent worth, which makes you feel like you shouldn't take up too much space. As a result, you say that you're sorry preemptively, before anyone can accuse you of doing something wrong.
Your need to avoid potential criticism is so strong that you've developed the habit of over-apologizing. It's hard for you to sit with the feeling of doing something incorrectly. When you do make a mistake, the effects feel astronomical and overwhelming, which leads you to apologize even more.
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Blaming yourself when things go wrong is a sign that you were unfairly criticized as a child. You internalized your parents' highly-critical voice and turned that voice on in your own mind. Being unfairly judged as a kid made you extremely self-critical as an adult, so you always feel like you're at fault.
Being your own harshest critic is an emotionally draining way to live. The first step to stopping the negative feedback loop that plays in your head is to step outside of yourself and acknowledge when your self-critic rears its ugly head. Then, you can practice speaking gently to yourself, even imagining that you're talking to yourself like you'd talk to a close friend who needed support.
Showing yourself the love and care you didn't get as a child can help heal you as an adult.
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Having imposter syndrome is a sign that being unfairly criticized in childhood is still affecting you now. Because your parents over-emphasized your failures and downplayed your accomplishments, you believe you don't deserve success, even though you do. Receiving positive feedback often makes you feel like you're faking it, and that sooner or later, someone's going to find out who you really are.
You have a hard time accepting praise because you were conditioned by your parents to expect harsh criticism instead. Breaking free of imposter syndrome takes time and commitment, but reminding yourself that you are, in fact, worthy of success is essential to the process.
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